When God goes high tech

'Hi! Thank you for calling God. Please select one of the following:

 

If you are Christian, dial 1

All Hindus, dial 2

All Muslims, dial 3

All others, dial 0.'

 

So, lets say you are a Hindu and you dialled 2. Here is what you hear:

 

Press 1 for Requests

Press 2 for Thank you messages for God

Press 3 for Complaints about unfulfilled promises

Press 4 for All other inquiries.

If your prayers are still not answered, dial '0' and ask for Naradmuni.'

 

Or, if all Gods were busy, you might hear this:

 

'We are sorry, all our Gods are busy helping other Bhaktas and Sinners. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received. Please stay on line. One of the Gods will be with you soon.'

 

Or, it could even go this way when you start praying:

 

'If you know your God's extension, dial it now.'

 

Or, you might hear this:

 

'If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1.

For Lord Hanuman, Press 2.

For Lord Krishna, Press 3.

To confess your sins, press 4.

To ask for favours, Press 5.'

 

Or, you might even hear this:

 

'You have reached Lord Krishna's extension. I am going to be away to conduct a special yuddha to save the humanity and will be away until the year 2012. If this is something urgent and cannot wait until then, call Shankara at GB +44  779000020000  Call. If you want to speak to someone else, for other gods' directory, Press 6 now.'

 

Or you might even hear something like this if you call toward the end of your life cycle:

 

'If you think you have reservations at our Heavenly Resort, please provide your name, social security number and be ready to provide the proof of your eligibility. If you do not have the proof of eligibility, please dial 420-HELL and ask for General Manager Ravana, who will be happy to help you.'

 

Or, depending on the purpose of your call, you might hear this:

 

'If you are calling to find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press  5, enter his or her 'mantra' number, then press the 0 key. If you get a negative response, try area code 420-HELL.'

 

For all you know in this day and age of quotas and all, you might even get a response like this:

 

'Our computer records show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.'

 

Or you might even here this if you call on the wrong day:

 

'This Main Office of Heaven is closed for DIWALI holidays. If this is an emergency, you may try our Himalayan Retreat in the mean time by dialling 6000-31,000.'

 

So, let us hope and pray that God never learns about computers - because if he does, we are in BIG trouble! 

Weighting Machine

On Weighting Machine:

A girl was checking her weight - 58 Kg.

Removed Sandal - 56 Kg.

Then Jacket - 53 Kg.

Then Dupatta - 52 Kg.

Then... there was no coins left in the bag...

Little Johnny was next in queue behind her said: "You carry on.. I'll put the coins!! "

Ad Mad

Johnny and his younger brother walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of WHISPER and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.

They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to climb trees and ride a bike. He can't do either.

Change the oil !

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered " You`ve got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said "You`ve got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man."

He responded "You`ve got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil in that old motor, this one`s 'black'."

Aam ki chilka

Ek bar ek sadhu gali se ja raha tha,tab uske uper ek BRA giri !!

Sadhu Says: Hey Bhagwan!! yeh kaisi duniya hai.. AAAM khud khaate hai, aur chilke hum ko dete hai !!!

BRAVO Sardar!

Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest

 

1) How long was the 100 year war?

 

A) 116 B) 99 C) 100 D) 150

 

Sardar says "I will skip this"

 

2) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

 

A) JANUARY B) SEPTEMBER C) OCTOBER D) NOVEMBER

 

Sardar asks for help from general public

 

3) Which of these was King George VI first name?

 

A) EDER B) ALBERT C) GEORGE D) MANOEL

 

Sardar asks for lucky cards

 

4) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:

 

A) CANARY BIRD B) KANGAROO C) PUPPY D) RAT

 

Sardar gives up.

 

If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then please check the answers below:

 

1) The '100 year war' lasted 116 years from 1337-1453

 

2) The October revolution is celebrated in November

 

3) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.

 

4) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of the puppies

now tell me who's the dumb one.

 

Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again!!!

True Dreams

One day Sardar had a dream that some 1 killed him next day he closed
his ICICI Bank account...!
Dou you know why??

Because ICICI slogan is "We Make Your Dreams True!!"

A Woman's Prayer

A Woman's Prayer:
"Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to love and to
forgive him, and for patience, for his moods... Because Lord, if I
pray for strength I'll just beat him to death"

Angel

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage Jokes

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

................

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by
then, it was too late."

Lie-Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Coke Bottle

Sardar: "Darling, years ago you had a figure like Coke bottle."
Lady: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
now it's 1.5 ltr.

Local Call..

Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call..

Photographer

"Sardarji aapko bus me logo ne kyon maara?
" Sardarji: Are yaar mere photo bus me niche gir gayi aur meine kaha,
"madam jara sari upper kijiye photo lena hai....."

Great Man

One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar:
"Any great man born in this village?"
Sardar: No sir, only small Babies!!!

FREE item

A Sardar enters shop and shouts: "Where is my free gift with this oil?"

Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab...

Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE!!!

Jor se bolo!

Teacher: A for?

Sardar: Apple

Teacher: Jor se bolo?

Sardar: Jay mata di.

US ki Shaadi

American says: " US mein shaadi email se hoti hai.."

Sardarji says: " Achchaa... India me to.. shaadi femail se hoti hai...!!!"

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

My Dog!

TEACHER: Alex, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

ALEX: No, teacher, it's the same dog !

Self Appraisal

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:


Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?


Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."


Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."


Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.


Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."


Woman: No, thank you.


With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.


Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."


Boy: "No thanks"


Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.


Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"


Now, this is what we call "Self Appraisal".. am I right?

Fulfilling requests...

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God made him a woman !!